Father’s Day never meant much to me… but why?

You see, I almost instinctively knew from an early age he’d bore of me, lose interest altogether. I saw that coming. In fact, I readily accepted it. I didn’t hold it against him.

I look back now and realise that’s odd. I wonder even, did that emotionally stunt me in some way?

I mean, I still tried many times to build a relationship. Meet with him in places of his interests. Waiting to be seen again.

But, as time rolled on it became easier to detach. Not because I wanted to, but because of what I saw.

The control my father had over my mother became more and more apparent. The veil of abuse behind closed doors started to drop. Later, I’d learn the full scale of it: the physical abuse, the sexual violence, her suicide attempts, all of it underpinned by what we now call coercive control.

Yes, I grew up without the father I needed.

Yes, he was an abuser.

No, he didn’t deserve to die.

After forty years of control, my mother suffered a loss of control, and killed him. That too is part of this story.

The abuse had taken its toll.

It led to The Unthinkable.

I fought to free her from prison, to have her abuse seen and heard. And it was. She was freed. But through it all, I had to confront the spectre of my father all over again. Who he meant to that small boy, who somewhere within truly did still love his father. But the adult me could never. Not after what he uncovered.

I was raised by a woman who tried to shield it from me, and taught me empathy.

And it’s the women in my young adult life who’ve subsequently shaped the man I’ve become.

So what I’m trying to say is… if today feels complicated and hollow for you, you’re not alone.

Not having a father, or not having the one who was safe, that is never your fault.

Millions of children are growing up right now in homes where love and harm co-exist.

Millions more have grown into adults whose abusive fathers are still around. Relationships either non-existent or brittle. Navigating that is a weight. As children we tried to keep the peace and stop the hurt, and many years later as adults I know some will still be doing the same.

It’s a lonely, complicated place to be, and it deserves to be named. To be honest, I was in two minds about sharing this, but my journey tells me there’s many more of us out there who need to hear this:

You are categorically not less for a father you didn’t have.

Love can come from unexpected places.

So can strength.

If you’ve read this and it resonates…

Here’s to being seen, whoever you are 🥂🍻

There’s no shame here. And there never will be.

#FathersDay

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