For me personally after enduring nine years of coercive control and only leaving the relationship when my eldest child said that she didn’t feel safe at home; I am still coming to terms with the fact that my case hasn’t reached the CPS due to lack of evidence.
Since the police released my husband from bail, I have read an increasing number of articles like yours and it’s devastating to think that justice is not being served for so many survivors.
thank you for taking the time to write this article. You are right that coercive control and the subsequent trauma that it leaves in it;s wake is not taken seriously in our justice system and our society. This needs to be talked about more and certainly the relationship with mental health and suicides for the survivors.
Dear David, thank you for writing this article and for being an ally to anyone who has been subject to coercive control. I genuinely cried while reading it as I had just read an article by Celeste Davies in her Matriarchy Report about Amber Heard and Blake Lively. I also follow Dr Emma Katz who wrote a brilliant article on coercive control recently and how men (or anyone of any gender, who uses this tactic) centre themselves in the midst of finding there might be consequences to their behaviour: “Oh, I wasn’t well”, “But s/he provoked me”, “Hey, I’m the real victim here”, “My ex is crazy”. Classic DARVO. I think men get leniency because of the PATRIARCHY and “oh, but it would ruin his life” never minding the woman and children who are scarred for life. I know it’s not all men, and sometimes it can be women, but it’s mostly men.
Deny, Accuse (or Attack), Reverse Victim and Offender is a modus operandi of most narcissists -- ie those most likely to indulge in coercive control. Why should they care about the trauma of their victims? Whose offence is precisely in NOT centring the feelings of the oppressor: so punishment is deserved.
PS I should have added that fawning -- as the fourth trauma response "option" -- doesn't work either: because it only excites the bully's contempt for the victim's weakness -- to be punished alike. So coercive control is a game you can never win: because only the bully can win. And the bully makes all the rules.
Thank you so much for calling this out and for being a voice against coercive control. It's honestly traumatizing to see cases like this and how little accountability there often is, on top of what you've been going through personally. It just adds to it. Progress isn't always linear but I know we have made progress however slow it has been. We are becoming more aware and empowered than ever and there's no going back. We'll never give up.
This post was frustrating to write, the same repeat patterns of abuse so routinely minimised in the sentence handed down…
Why do we think abusers like Hogg often avoid serious consequences?
What needs to change to truly protect survivors?
For me personally after enduring nine years of coercive control and only leaving the relationship when my eldest child said that she didn’t feel safe at home; I am still coming to terms with the fact that my case hasn’t reached the CPS due to lack of evidence.
Since the police released my husband from bail, I have read an increasing number of articles like yours and it’s devastating to think that justice is not being served for so many survivors.
thank you for taking the time to write this article. You are right that coercive control and the subsequent trauma that it leaves in it;s wake is not taken seriously in our justice system and our society. This needs to be talked about more and certainly the relationship with mental health and suicides for the survivors.
So in Scotland you can go to jail for calling a man a man, but not for abusing your wife and kids. Well done guys, well done. 🤦🏻♀️
Exactly so. Scotland has lost its way completely.
Misogyny is live and well in Scottish law.
Dear David, thank you for writing this article and for being an ally to anyone who has been subject to coercive control. I genuinely cried while reading it as I had just read an article by Celeste Davies in her Matriarchy Report about Amber Heard and Blake Lively. I also follow Dr Emma Katz who wrote a brilliant article on coercive control recently and how men (or anyone of any gender, who uses this tactic) centre themselves in the midst of finding there might be consequences to their behaviour: “Oh, I wasn’t well”, “But s/he provoked me”, “Hey, I’m the real victim here”, “My ex is crazy”. Classic DARVO. I think men get leniency because of the PATRIARCHY and “oh, but it would ruin his life” never minding the woman and children who are scarred for life. I know it’s not all men, and sometimes it can be women, but it’s mostly men.
Deny, Accuse (or Attack), Reverse Victim and Offender is a modus operandi of most narcissists -- ie those most likely to indulge in coercive control. Why should they care about the trauma of their victims? Whose offence is precisely in NOT centring the feelings of the oppressor: so punishment is deserved.
PS I should have added that fawning -- as the fourth trauma response "option" -- doesn't work either: because it only excites the bully's contempt for the victim's weakness -- to be punished alike. So coercive control is a game you can never win: because only the bully can win. And the bully makes all the rules.
Thank you so much for calling this out and for being a voice against coercive control. It's honestly traumatizing to see cases like this and how little accountability there often is, on top of what you've been going through personally. It just adds to it. Progress isn't always linear but I know we have made progress however slow it has been. We are becoming more aware and empowered than ever and there's no going back. We'll never give up.